Sometimes I wonder - who do I despise more: my Narcissistic mother or my Enabler father?
It also triggered the question of whether my father is an enabler or is a narcissist waiting to happen all along. It is as if being together with my mother and spending more time with her after his retirement caused him to become more controlling and domineering than ever.
During my childhood, my father was close to being non-existent in my life. I spent most of my growing up years with my mother, who had never worked her entire life and was happy being a housewife. During my younger years, my father had an addiction problem with gambling, which caused him to uproot our entire family to another state when I was around 8 years old. He sort of cleaned up his act after that and worked really hard to support the family - often going out to his workplace early in the morning and returning only when it was my bedtime.
It was only after he had retired things took a turn for the worse. He became very interfering in my life - often demanding to know where I had gone and if I came home slightly late, I would have to tolerate him getting angry or getting the disapproving look just because I was back at 8pm. Hello, I was already 25 at that time???
My mother often got my father to do the dirty job for her. If she wants something, she would get my father to coerce/force me into giving in. During those rare times when I was able to get my father to be alone with me, I would often hint that my NM was getting more and more unbearable to live with. He would often shrug his shoulders and made up some excuses to portray my mother in a positive light.
I often wonder - if my father had been more assertive and had a stronger personality, would he have stood up for me and put a stop to my mother's narcissistic tendencies? Instead, he gave in to her all the time and sometimes I feel that I couldn't put 100% blame on him for doing that because after all, he is the one who had to live with my mother all the time now, especially after I moved out 2 years ago.
I want to feel sad towards him for being so manipulated by my mother yet at times I feel rage and anger because as his daughter, don't I deserve his protection too?
It also triggered the question of whether my father is an enabler or is a narcissist waiting to happen all along. It is as if being together with my mother and spending more time with her after his retirement caused him to become more controlling and domineering than ever.
During my childhood, my father was close to being non-existent in my life. I spent most of my growing up years with my mother, who had never worked her entire life and was happy being a housewife. During my younger years, my father had an addiction problem with gambling, which caused him to uproot our entire family to another state when I was around 8 years old. He sort of cleaned up his act after that and worked really hard to support the family - often going out to his workplace early in the morning and returning only when it was my bedtime.
It was only after he had retired things took a turn for the worse. He became very interfering in my life - often demanding to know where I had gone and if I came home slightly late, I would have to tolerate him getting angry or getting the disapproving look just because I was back at 8pm. Hello, I was already 25 at that time???
My mother often got my father to do the dirty job for her. If she wants something, she would get my father to coerce/force me into giving in. During those rare times when I was able to get my father to be alone with me, I would often hint that my NM was getting more and more unbearable to live with. He would often shrug his shoulders and made up some excuses to portray my mother in a positive light.
I often wonder - if my father had been more assertive and had a stronger personality, would he have stood up for me and put a stop to my mother's narcissistic tendencies? Instead, he gave in to her all the time and sometimes I feel that I couldn't put 100% blame on him for doing that because after all, he is the one who had to live with my mother all the time now, especially after I moved out 2 years ago.
I want to feel sad towards him for being so manipulated by my mother yet at times I feel rage and anger because as his daughter, don't I deserve his protection too?
Here's my take on couples where one person is unquestionably a full-blown Narcissist, but with the other person, there's a bit of doubt or a question mark about them: in the end, it doesn't matter. Partly because the so-called enabler lives with, adopts, and perpetuates the values and abuse of the Narcissist. They witness it and they do nothing. In fact, they support it! So, they must have a HUGE empathy problem if they're willing to do that.
ReplyDeleteJust my two cents, looking foward to reading other people's opinions.
I am looking forward to hearing from others as well. I have posted this similar question in a forum I am in and most of the people there have mentioned that it is a condition called co-narcissim, which is exhibited by the people usually living under the same roof as a N. It is a condition they develop in order to ensure their survival and not having to face the N-rage day in and day out.
ReplyDeleteMy EF is an only child, abused by two alcoholic parents, so I've always thought he was drawn to the powerful dominating energy of my NM's personality. It's like there's a mutually reinforcing dysfunction: NM's sadism blends perfectly with EF's masochism. She always needs someone to blame and he always needs to take the blame. If I had to draw a diagram of our family, it would be a solar system: NM is the sun, and we are the planets in descending orbit around her. EF orbits closest to her to protect her, in exchange he gets her protection. Now I've seen her treat him like a dog, which doesn't always square with the idea that there's something "good" in it for him, but that's just the great mystery. Why he puts up with her, I may never understand. How she can be fulfilled without a real, equal partner, I'll also never understand.
ReplyDeleteAs far as where that leaves the kids in this equation, it leaves us at the complete mercy of mother-sun, with nobody to ever fight for us because he's too busy protecting his precious wife. I resent the both of them for putting their relationship before the best interests of their kids, but the thing is, they both thought they were being awesome parents and still do. If I have issues, it's my fault for not being grateful enough for such loving parents. If I don't like the way they parented me, I'm just asking too much because they both had it a lot worse, and I should be grateful. Invalidation is the new unconditional love in their society of two.
Once I was having lunch with my EF alone, and I was really trying to solicit his support in the troubles I was having with NM. It was like he couldn't hear me - "yeah...but" and "well but that's just how she is" - the way it ended was him telling me if he had to go back and do it again, he'd still marry her. It was like being left out in the cold. No room for anyone else because he'd still marry her, so get over it and tow the line, that's what he does.
I see them as adults who make their choices just like the rest of us. The sins, whether of commission or omission, are theirs to answer for - I didn't marry my mom, he did. I didn't choose to be their daughter, they chose to have me. I leave the universe to assess whose hand injured the order of human life more: the woman in charge or the man-child who isn't stopping her.
they did? Wow lucky you. Ours' didn't "choose" to have us.
DeleteWe "just happened" and it's God who "chose" us to be born -
NOT their choice, preference, or RESPONSIBILITY apparently
HATE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Have the same EF and NM - same dynamics - it sucks, but am trying to work with what I have got to make a stand of some sorts - they are for all intents sort of arrested children.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad I found this blog. In my case it's the reverse, NF & EM. I too have struggled with understanding why my EM can't see plain facts I lay out for her, such as the twisting of things she told him & the guilt trips when he hasn't gotten his way. She just won't see it & if I happen to trap her in a corner then she'll make up stuff. I am the scapegoat while their oldest child ( and clearly mom's favorite) has become an even worse narcissist than my Dad, very overt. My sister, the youngest seems to have Borderline Personality Disorder, or so my therapist suspects based on my description. Of course, my therapist can't really dx these people for sure w/o meeting them. My biggest issue beyond why my EM takes their side is that she also crosses boundaries & shares info about me to my siblings, who I haven't spoken to for yrs. Both my NF & EM see nothing wrong w/ talking behind my back to the rest of the family.
ReplyDeleteIn my case it doesn't matter to me anymore. I used to see my mother as the enabler then realized she's just more subtle about her narcissism, quietly guilting, manipulating and gaslighting. In many ways these so called enablers are worse because they know EXACTLY what they're doing whereas volatile narcissists like my father simply can't control the rage they feel toward their "loved ones". The lack of control is no excuse for his behaviour toward me because in public he has no problem behaving appropriately toward virtual strangers even when they piss him off!
ReplyDeleteI've turned my back and walked away from both of them. They deserve each other!
How are they worse - when the enablers DO have a
Deletesense of guilt and DO love and miss us just for our
presence alone and the Ns have feel ENTITLED to
using us like tissue paper and only "miss" us for N.
Supply that we offer? Sorry but "can't" is simply
not true. They are Masters at Control including
their own emotions. They WILL NOT control it
in front of us, and why would they, we're tissue
paper, meant to USE AND DISCARD. Peace