There have been many a time when I watched my friends with envy - how they could enjoy a close relationship with their parents, how they can share their tears and joy with them without having the information used against them later on and how the whole family works as a system of support unconditionally.
Many a time I questioned why I am unable to get that from my own parents.
The answer finally dawned on me last year: when searching for people who are going through similar ordeals as mine, I found the term - narcissistic. One thing led to another and before I knew it, I was reading Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers by Light's House and nodding my head vehemently as I could relate to at least 20 points out of the 24 mentioned.
There have been too many years and too much energy wasted trying to get my own parents to understand me, their own child - all of them leading to arguments, violence, frustration and most of all, exhaustion on my part. Currently, I am trying to be at peace with myself by reminding myself each day that they would never change but I could change my way of dealing with them and my perspective towards them.
If you are reading this and you happen to be in the same boat as me, please feel free to leave a comment. One thing I have come to realise after reading so many blog posts about narcissism is that we are NOT alone.
Glad to find your blog, happy to hear you've found ours. Welcome!
ReplyDeleteOooo, I never read that page at Light's House, thanks for that.
ReplyDeleteSorry you've been dealt this hand. It sucks once you discover the full scope of the Narcissist's illness, but I seem to recall it's also a time of relief and a great feeling of validation: yes, it's a real thing with a name!
I think you've already figured out the 'good news' - that you have complete control over how you respond (or don't respond) to the Narcissist. Good luck.
Hey, thanks for the comments! Both of you wrote beautifully in your blog - I wish I can express my thoughts as well.
ReplyDeleteI have felt that there is something wrong with my mother ever since I was young - I mean, I have known friends with strict mothers but mine takes the cake for being downright controlling and domineering. Many times I thought I was the cause of it but was so glad to find out that it was not me after all, it's her!
It's her, it's not you, and I'm sure you did the best you could at the time with the resources you had.
ReplyDeleteIt's not you.
Yes, that's my everyday mantra now - I had to chant it to myself at least once a day whenever guilt rears its ugly head.
ReplyDeleteMy father has stayed with my Nmom despite it all, to my utter bafflemenet. This is his mantra - change your reactions to your mother, she is not going to change. I've resented this for years but reading your post gives me new perspective on this. Thank you.
ReplyDelete